Grief

Tears fell today.   I mean, uncontrollable overflowing grief.  I didn't expect it, I was fine yesterday but today...BROKEN.  My beautiful mama, she would be 60 today.  I will be 40 in May and we always did this together.  The milestones.  As she turned 40 and I turned 20 we planned my wedding together.  A few years later we had babies just 5 months apart. My first and her last.  She was my best friend.  Letting her go those nine years ago was hard but this is harder…these milestones without her.  

So what to do with all this pain?  Well today, I cried.  And prayed.  Then I opened up my Bible.  Jesus held me up in that season and I know He can do the same today.  The best way I know to hear from the Lord is in His Word.  And indeed His Word was just what my soul needed. Today He reminded me that I am loved and that He will walk with me. Today He told me to keep walking even amidst the pain.  He asked me to fix my eyes on Him and to walk in gratitude.  He didn’t ask me to stop grieving but to find the gifts through my tears. Today that seemed harder than it has been before but I can honestly say that's how He has walked me through my darkest days and so I pressed on through rolling tears.

And then He took my breath away. Today my children snuggled and comforted me, they patiently listened to my stories and willingly dropped their plans for the day to hop in the car for a day trip.  Today they had to struggle through real life grief with their mom.  Again.  Today they helped me dig out their Nana’s gravestone from the snow to leave her birthday lilies.  They held my hands. They waited.  They watched the grey sky break open to sunshine with me. Today we all hugged my dear grandpa. As we traveled home, I listened as the kids chattered about how happy and mellow Great Grandpa always seems. And I could feel it. The peace that comes from being reminded of who you are. Chosen. Loved. Redeemed. It was a hard day but such a good day.

I share these intimate thoughts with you, not to say “Look at how beautiful my day was.” and certainly not to preach at you. I share because I feel that I honor both my mom and the Lord with these details of my life. This beauty is not my doing. The Lord is a giver of good gifts and He wants to give them to you. Open your Bible. And remind me to open mine when I forget because I will. Praise God., today I didn’t!

Walking through grief with you~The Mrs.