Hope for Grieving Hearts
We were once told that it is impossible to break through and feel a part of the inner circle of our little family. At the time I thought, “That’s absurd”. We were known for loving big and living well. It was a comment that clearly consumed my thoughts for a bit as it was made over a decade ago and here I am still thinking of it from time to time. I’ve made peace with that comment though and I believe that I even allowed it to change me a bit. I became (or attempted to become) more intentional to include those around us. I just became more aware. You see, though we are small, my family is very close knit. We play hard, we celebrate well and we simply adore spending time together. But time has a way off muddying things, doesn’t it? Age, miles of separation, sickness, trauma; these things come for all of us and my family is no exception. I often find myself longing for days gone by and asking how do we cope? How do we move forward when it feels as though the happiest times have faded?
I had spent eight years struggling to learn how to live well while grieving the loss of my mother. Then, at that point, I had to add my grandmother, my auntie, my grandfather and finally my far-to-young and beautiful niece (all within a two-year span) when I broke and my grief bubbled over. I can’t speak for the rest of my family but I personally did not handle this time well. Looking back, I can see the Lord’s provision, but when I was in it, I thought I was going to die from sadness.
Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know two things; first, suffering is no stranger to me and I do not presume to know all that you are suffering, and second, this bubbling-over, out-of-control sadness is not what I am talking about today. In my experience, those times of intense pain are shorter seasons (though while in them they feel eternal) and they call for different strategies than the grief I am talking about today. If you are in that season, try with everything in you to reach out and ask someone for help. If anything, just make sure you continue to talk to friends and family and do not isolate yourself! The grief on my heart today is the longstanding slow drip, the constant dull ache of heartbreak and living without people you love.
So, I pose the question again…how do we cope with this dull ache? I am currently eleven and a half years into celebrating holidays without my mother and every year I am faced with this question. In the beginning I found myself going into auto-pilot to do for my children what my mother would have done. Yes, I do feel like children have been an immeasurable blessing during this time. I don’t know if I would have learned some of these lessons without them. Either way I have learned them and I am past auto-pilot now and have moved into living intentionally with my grief. I find myself wanting to do better each season and hope that these tips can help someone else move forward too.
My first encouragement would be to do the things before the feelings come to do the things. That’s about as clear as mud, isn’t it? Truly, though, if you can muster up enough strength to even do it half-assed (pardon my French) you’ll be better off for it! What’s something that always makes it feel like the holidays? In my house that’s apple cider with red-hots simmering in it and cookie decorating (this is where you cheat when you don’t have the energy-store bought isn’t going to kill you). What are your things? Name them. Write them down if you feel brain-foggy. Pick two and do them!
My second would be to talk about the people who you long for and the happiest times you can remember with them. Tell stories, laugh and recall the good times. Its ok to paint the picture rosier than it was and its ok to say their names out loud! Your dear ones are still with you as long as you have your memory. Use it!
My third piece of advice is to remember you are also writing memories for the people who are still here with you (again…DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF). This doesn’t have to be your children. This is true of all family, friends and even co-workers. You never know how you impact the people around you. I have a few funny group texts where we hash out our hard stuff with memes and inappropriate comments. The point isn’t always to find a solution sometimes just to acknowledge each other’s pain and laugh a bit. We are able to find laughter amidst pain. A friend of mine from high school, who recently lost her dad, reached out and we were able to pull up an old memory of making fudge together 20+ years ago. She experienced that memory in completely different way than I did but it was positive and happy for us both and joy came in the sharing. So, I encourage you to send the text, invite the friend, or host the day…whatever it is, it is likely not only an encouragement to you but to those in your circle too.
My final encouragement would be to change the way you think about your grief. This life is a journey and grief is something that we will all have to carry at some point. I am convinced there is a way to do it well. Controlling our thoughts is the only control we have in some situations. In the book of Romans, Paul writes, “we find glory in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” I can see no better way to put into words what walking with grief feels like than that. I personally think of my grief as a way to honor my loved ones. I give myself many personal challenges along the way. When I finally bake the cookie that rivals my mama’s or when I hear my kids singing old country songs in harmony with my grandma’s voice in my head then I find the glory in my suffering. My thoughts are then filled with hope.
I hope this is encouraging to you friends. Walking with you~ The Mrs.